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On letting it all out

November 5, 2010

I’m one of those people that take a while to voice my feelings.  I’ll act them out, but seldom actually open my snapper and make a noise.

Perhaps it’s because I was raised with the eternal cautionary wagging finger telling me to place a guard in front of my mouth…  Although, if anything, I blame my early tendencies toward a scorching hot temper, a trait I had to learn to control fairly young or risk being banished to the corner of the playground.

Clearly, by my twenties I’ve learnt to, um, temper my temper (?!), but the result is that often feelings aren’t voiced, they simply follow one of two courses – they’re either suppressed under the “I’m fiiine!” rug, OR they stifle in the passive-aggressive cupboard. Peachy. Really great for my mental health, both of those options.

So, the result of all this suppressing, was an emotional clean-out over the last two weeks.  I wasn’t having the best time (due to a combination of a randomly fragile emotional state and the universe being a bitch and causing some very uncool events).   The result was two inadvertent occasions of voicing my feelings in unexpected and less than mature ways.

The first was a very blunt i’m-putting-you-in-your-place-right-now text sent to the boy I used to, kind of, be involved with. I believe it’s what Facebook calls “complicated”.

The second was a complete emotional breakdown to my bestie about things that I just felt were going wrong in our relationship.

Result? In both cases, I was surprised by the wave of relief!!! Regarding the boy, yes I miss him, but it was time to clear some space.  So off he went.  With my friend, it turned into one of the best open and honest chats we’ve ever had, and reaffirmed that, no matter how bad things get, we won’t just “divorce” our friendship.  (See, besties are more understanding like that.)

The only area where all frustrations are yet to be voiced is at work – but apparently you have to be really grown up to do that.  So maybe voicing my feelings and flouncing of with a hair-flick isn’t quite the course of action I’m looking for…

And then, just to wrap it up a friend’s 9-post long Facebook rant on “saying what you think” (as the world would be such an easier place to navigate) popped up in my feed.  Just so the universe could drive her point accross.  Lesson learnt.

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